Ok, with the upcoming asteroid that is headed our way on November 2nd and the presidential election the following day, should we not be Ice Aged by the asteroid, I feel it a good idea to get a few things off my chest.
First off, I have been in a real funk the last four years of the reign of the Mango Mussolini. Watching this orange Tasmanian Devil do whirling dervishes all over our democracy and our world standing has left me exhausted. The "bothsiderism" and hypocrisy is mindnumbing. And the return to cable news of the undecided/"I don't like either of them" voter has worn me down to the studs. (Seriously, what the hell do you mean you're undecided? This isn't The Bachelor you numbskull! It's honestly for the soul of this country. It's Sophie's Choice, but so much easier. The lying, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, narcissistic orange one with the bad hair, judgment, and disposition has to go! Simple. I made your decision.) And the lies, my God the LIES! They are disgraceful. I remember cutting off part of my family the day he said he had a bigger inaugural turnout than my forever President Barack Obama. That lie got a whole family tree branch cut off for the past 4 years, little did we know that was the tip of the iceberg compared to the over 20,000 tall tales this... um... person (?) has told. I mean I'm still trying to figure out why he was rushed to Walter Reed in November mysteriously for a 2 part physical? NO ONE TAKES A 2 PART PHYSICAL!!! And while we're on it, HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GREATEST ECONOMY IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA!!!!! He barely tracks against Eisenhower, Johnson, Clinton or GRANT! Yes, that Ulysses S. GRANT!!!! WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL, MAN? Whew... Let me calm down...
But no lie is more infuriating to me than this one:
“No one has done more for Black People than me.” -Orange Fat Nixon
In the afterworld, I am guessing there is an exclusive group of American patriot souls who hear this and start the grave spinning. I like to imagine there is a WWE style mega tag team in Heaven (Hell?) consisting of Abe Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and Lyndon Baines Johnson cutting promos and pulling out tables in hopes of giving the Tangerine Tyrant an old school Dudley Boyz 3D every time he utters this blatant whopper of a lie.
So as an official “Black People” I think it is my duty to provide a list of “White People Who Have Done More For Black People Than Donald Trump.” And why pray tell do I feel I have the right to compile such a list? What gives me the station to do such? Well here are just a few of my many qualifications: To begin with, it reads “Negro” on my birth certificate. I have been pulled over by cops multiple times for no reason. I had a knife pulled on me in 3rd grade while being told “Shut Up Nigger” by Chris Cain. I was asked by an elderly white lady at church if she could touch my hair. Was told in the past I was “cute for a black guy.” (May not actually count because this could have been said simply because they felt sorry for me having to tote around this mug.) Been asked countless times in retail environments, "Do you work here?" by White people. I always bath/shower with a washcloth. I am known to keep beat on the 1 and the 3.
I believe those facts qualify me however, I don't have all the answers, Sway. I am open to suggestions. This is definitely not the first time a list like this has been compiled by someone. Twitter has a list I’ve contributed to in the past, but this is my list with some hearty assists from some of my buddies. Please, if you can think of any white people who have done more for black people than Donald Trump, feel free to comment below. I would love a comprehensive, diverse list that people can refer to over the holidays as they Zoom with their families. Nothing quiets a drunk racist uncle faster than a list. It's overwhelming...
So now, without further adieu:
White People Who Have Done More For Black People Than Donald Trump:
The 5 Dead Presidents/Pro Wrestling team named above.
Norman Lear- Creator of Sanford and Son, The Jeffersons, and Good Times.
Colonel Sanders and Popeye's
Chris Pine - for this moment during Common and John Legend perfoming "Glory" at the Academy Awards.
George and Katherine (Webster’s Adoptive Parents)
Shawn and Marlon Wayans in White Chicks
Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines got Marvin Gaye's family paid and this song was a banger.
Maury Povich - Dude has been uniting black families for over 2 decades.
Dr. Fink (Prince’s Keyboardist)
Jon B. - "They Dont Know" is a forever Quiet Storm jam.
The Little Girl From Missy’s “Work It” Video, Alyson Stoner.
P!nk (Her first album)
Prince Harry - He came through like a G for his wife, Meghan the Duchess of Sussex.
Tom Willis - 3 feet taller than George Jefferson but always gave George his props plus he bagged Lenny Kravitz's mom.
Tom Hanks for this...
Phil Jackson/Greg Popovich/Steve Kerr
Jerry Jones - As a Houston native I hate to admit this but football's self-proclaimed "hillbilly buffoon" has made a ton of black athletes millionaires.
Jo-Jo - Have you heard "Say So"?
Girls who told me I was cute for a Black guy.
Steve Jobs - Because he had the vision to put a camera on a cell phone giving Black folks a convenient way to document brutality and injustice we have been telling people about for decades. Possibly the most important invention for Black people since Madame CJ Walker invented her Wonderful Hair Grower to be used with the hot comb.
Philip Drummond AKA Mr. D