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Original Batman TV Series, "The Money Team" and Mike Huckabee

Maybe he should have titled the book "God, Guns, Grits and CRAZY"
Remember Batman the TV show from the 60's with the really campy storylines, music and costumes?  I loved that show and so did my brothers, my sister and all my friends. The show was in syndication when we were kids, but it was "must see TV" every day after school (or whenever our independent local station who bought the broadcasting rights felt like showing it).
It started strong with the great opening theme (duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh da BAT-MAN!) coupled with the 60's beach party/Elvis movie backing soundtrack. There was this cool comedic edge that was like Bugs Bunny cartoons where it was fun for the kids but some of the jokes were intentionally over the kids heads and just for the adults. The sly, camp sexuality of Cat-Women, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt. A Joker played by Cesar Romero. Burgess Meredith, Micky from Rocky, as The Penguin. The crazy cliff hangers that kept you coming back the "same Bat-time, same Bat-channel." Batman fights crime in the broad daylight. The Bat-usi. THE BAT-USI!  What is not to like about that show? (Did I mention the Bat-usi, son?)
Fast forward to modern times U.S.A.  Last weekend we're sitting around the TV looking for something to watch and "BAM!" there it is on IFC of all places, a "Batman" mini marathon! If I didn't have a plan for the next couple of hours, I did now. Or so I thought...
I look at the brood and say, "Uh oh, looks like it is bat-time!" To which the 11 year old returns with, "THAT Batman!? Thats old!"
"THAT Batman," he said it like a punch to Robin's face, "POW!"
This was then followed by the 14 year old with, "Is that the one with the fat Batman in the grey suit and the short Robin? That one is terrible!"
"THE FAT BATMAN!" he says like a kick to Batman's stomach, "KAPOW!"
"Can we just watch "Teen Titans Go!" on the Cartoon Network?" they ask as I feel the final "Z-Z-ZWAP!" metaphorically across my face.
As I gave up and switched the channel to the Cartoon Network to watch (and admittedly actually enjoy) "Teen Titans Go!," I thought, "What happened to the concept of having Batman AND Robin?" Did Joel Schumacher kill that concept forever with his take on duo in "Batman Forever" and "Batman and Robin" from the 90's? (He did. Plus the Batsuits with nipples didn't help.) I know they allude to it in the "Dark Knight Rises" (which I thought was terrible. Hey Bane, mumble much?) but it is half assed. Is that it for the Dynamic Duo concept in the movies?
And then I remembered a story I read earlier in the week about a real "Dummy Duo..."
These two dudes have me seriously starting to question not just the future, but humanity in general.  Allegedly, they broke into an unlocked truck (a bit of an oxymoron as I don't think you can break into something that is unlocked) and got away with $5,000 and an iPad. They were caught because they took pictures with the stolen iPad, which floated up to the cloud of course, AND they posted a video of their "spoils" on YouTube.  Big Dummies!
In the one minute video they talk about "getting their hustle on" and they say that they are members of "The Money Team." They do this to the beeping of an obviously unattended fry machine at a Burger King because you can hear it in the background. The machine might need to be arrested for aiding and abetting because I think it felt sorry for these 2 morons and was trying to drown out their stupidity. Later, what I can only think of as pure genius, the two take pictures with the stolen iPad, showing themselves biting the money, fanning themselves with the money and being just plain jackasses with the money... 
First off, "getting your hustle on" in my mind means you did some work.  These two Einsteins just walked up to a truck, opened the door and found $5,000 CASH.  Based on the odds, they should have put the money and iPad back in the truck and gone to play the lottery because it was obviously their lucky day. I mean what are the odds? Instead, I guess they thought that going to grab a Whopper and filming themselves on and with the evidence was a better idea.
Seriously though, unless it says Brinks on the side of it, how many cars have FIVE GRAND just laying around?  I can only think of 2 reasons someone would have and consequently leave $5,000 in an open car: A)They are a legitimate small business owner who is on his or her way to the bank to make a drop or B) They are an illegitimate small business owner who is off to make a drop.
In the case of the latter, there really is no reason to put these two in jail, the streets will take care of them. And in the case of the former, who is the person responsible for this random five grand in 100 dollar bills?  Is it Uncle Billy from "It's A Wonderful Life"?  Uncle Billy, did these two criminals Mr. Potter you?  "Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?"
And this is the victim, Randy Schaefer. Wait a minute? This guy with the "tennesse top hat?" Let's hope at least 15 bucks of the five grand was set aside for a visit to SuperCuts.  If this guy has five grand in 100 dollar bills laying around in his truck, I think he has a visit by the IRS in his near future. Look, I am not saying he is doing anything shady, but when did NASCAR start paying their crew members in cash? I thought they paid in Tide, Bush's Baked Beans and Go Daddy commercial outtakes.  Just saying someone should ask a few questions, that's all.
broken image
But back to the "Dumb-ass Duo." How are these two fools claiming in their video to be a part of "The Money Team"?  That's boxer Floyd Mayweather's brand/company and I can guarantee these two dumb dumbs that Manny Pacquiao will be asked to join before they are.  Besides,  The Money Team takes 100 dollar bills injects them with lotion and aloe vera and wipes their soiled butts with it. Five grand is chump change to TMT. Quite frankly, I think being in a Burger King bragging about your "hustle" would disqualify you from being a part of The Money Team. And you should feel like real punks because Justin Bieber is in The Money Team and you aren't.  
Let me just give these two a small bit of advice... Fellas, look, this thieving thing isn't going to work out for you. Seriously, you are too stupid. My suggestion is to look behind you and grab the 2 paper crowns, put them on, walk up to the counter of the Burger King and ask for a couple of applications for employment. You may just get the midnight shift, but that is ok, you need to be off the street at night. The economy isn't doing too bad, in fact there are people that look like Joe Dirt that have five grand just laying around in their trucks. 
Either that, or please go and take some classes about technology because it is painfully obvious you 2 have no understanding of how things work. Outside of just posting an extremely incriminating video to YouTube you fellas need to know there is this thing called "the cloud" where all the pictures you take are uploaded onto.  Those pictures are then accessible by the owner of the stolen equipment who can then take them to the police who can then scan their mugshots and find you. How do I know that at least one of you already has mugshots? Because after seeing the depth of your stupidity during this heist, how could you have not been arrested at least once?
All of which got me thinking about grander forms of stupidity, which lead me to the politics of Mike Huckabee.
So apparently, Fmr. Gov./Fox News Host Huckabee is considering a run for President in 2016 and wrote the obligatory book that you will find in the dollar bin at Barnes and Noble in a year, should Barnes and Noble still exist in a year.  In any case, his book, God, Guns, Grits and Gravy (the latter I am recommending he lay off because he is looking a bit tubby) supposedly... 
"explores today’s fractious American culture, where divisions of class, race, politics, religion, gender, age, and other fault lines make polite conversation dicey, if not downright dangerous."
From this synopsis he goes on an almost 300 page tear about the Civil War and carpetbaggers, I think? Not really, but close.
In the book he drones on extolling the great virtues of the South and 'Fly-over' states while bashing the coasts. He refers to his neck of the woods as "Bubba-ville" while the less than wholesome parts of the country he calls, "Bubble-ville." Clever, right?
He discusses the difference between "smart" people and "educated" ones. "Educated" is pretty well used as a pejorative which is his attempt to throw "red meat" to his "base." And there is a whole bunch about how great the South is how morally bankrupt the coasts are yada, yada, yada, who gives a crap. Of course he does "yada" the "best" parts of the South like Jim Crow, cover intimidation and even his own states opposition to school integration. He also talks about corporations as people, and more bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t...
This is how much brain I used when I made some of these statements!
"This is how much brain I used when I wrote some of this book."
The part of the book that is getting the most press is the chapter devoted to "The Culture of Crude."  In this chapter he goes off on Jay-Z and Beyonce (our American Music Royals) because he thinks he can make real political hay with his "base" by subtly race baiting, however, he proves to be just an out of touch old man.
On just one page of his opus he manages to squeeze in that Beyonce's lyrics are "obnoxious and toxic mental poison." He asks if Jay-Z "realizes that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?" He continues his diarrhea of the pen by stating; "Jay-Z and Beyonce have been to the White House numerous times, but how can it be that the Obamas let Sasha and Malia listen to that trash?"
Being born and raised in the South, I feel it my duty to explain Huckabee's statements. See they are written in a language called "code." Many of our leaders and media personalities speak this tired, yet subliminally powerful language.  Again, being from the South, and African-American to boot I have become an expert at deciphering the language even though I cannot speak it. It makes me a bit like Indiana Jones with hieroglyphics. 
Below are the real meanings of the "Huckster's" statements about Bey, Jay and the President.
  1. Beyonce's music is "obnoxious and toxic mental poison." Translation: Women should stay in their place and not speak of being or having any sexual thoughts or urges.  Also women should not display themselves in any role other than subservient to display empowerment is just being "obnoxious." And if you happen to be of color, this is even more offensive and dangerous. But me thinks the "Hulk-bee" made a bit of a miscalculation thinking the Beyonce wasn't as big a crossover as she is.  He thought she was only a "Bubble-ville" star for the liberal elites and not the international superstar she is. By the way part of the "code" is who or what may be left out of criticism. Miley Cyrus, anyone?
  2. Asking if Jay-Z "realizes that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?" Translation: Black men are over sexualized savages who are going to come and pimp out "our" (read: white) southern daughters.  Again, what is missing from his critique? I would say that on "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo," Mama June is the biggest "pimp" of them all. (Literally and figuratively.) She not only pimped out her 6 year old Alana, but managed to add the rest of her dysfunctional family to the stable. By the way, Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't "pimp" his daughter, Miley?
  3. And Finally, "Jay-Z and Beyonce have been to the White House numerous times, but how can it be that the Obamas let Sasha and Malia listen to that trash?" (M-F'er What?!? You played back up guitar to "Cat Scratch Fever" on your show with crazy-ass, assassinate President Obama, Obama is a sub-human mongrel, Ted Nugent!) Translation: The Obamas are bad parents because they let "that trash" in their home and by extension this should call their judgment on all things into question.  If they have terrible judgement with their own children then how can we trust his judgement running the country. 
Damned, who knew? Jay-Z was right! He does have 99 Problems and a bitch is one.  That bitch is presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee.
"Huckster" continued his "trash" theme this week mentioning in an interview that women swearing in the workplace is "just trashy." (By the way, Megyn Kelly wins on this clip. Drop the mic, wins.) Let me let Mike Huckabee in on something. Women curse just like men, and well they should.  They are working the same jobs as humans with penis' and get 20% less money for it.  Then when it is suggested that the government step in to level the playing field for women, the members of the party you are attmpting to be the presidential candidate for make it sound like the worst thing to happen since 9/11. You should be happy all they are doing is cursing.  (Personally, I like a woman with a little fire.)
In that spirit, here is my interpretation of a Fox News meeting with Mike Huckabee:
Male Producer: So Governor, we have to go out there and blow the f**king minds of our viewers!  We need them to sh*t bricks!  Literally sh*t f*cking BRICKS! 
Huckabee: Yes, I want this show to be successful too, but how are we going to do that? 
Male Producer: We know that you are a b*tchin' guitar player. 
Huckabee: Why yes, I have been known to do some pickin' and grinning' back in my day.
Male Producer: Well we want you to f**king go out there and f*cking shred the guitar with Ted Motherf*cking Nugent!
Huckabee: Gosh! That sounds great! I love "Cat Scratch Fever"!
Female Producer: Hey, isn't that the song about p*ussy?
Huckabee: Oh, my lawd and clutch ma pearls!  I can't believe that that sinful person with a vagina would say such a naughty word in front of a southern gentleman like myself. I don't know what to do. (Huckabee fans his face with his hands incessantly to stop himself from fainting.) 
Male Producer: F*ck her! You listen to me, she is a b*tch. I just want you to f*cking concentrate on shredding with Ted f*cking Nugent!
Huckabee: Ok, but this New York City is nothing like Arkansas, or "Bubba-ville" as I call it. These women are so trashy. (Huckabee looks around still reeling from hearing a woman swear.) I am so parched after what just transpired. I need a drink of water! (Huckabee looks at the Female Producer.) Can you go and get that dear?
Female Producer: You gotta be f*cking kidding me!
Huckabee: (Fans even more fervently) OH NO! She is causing me to catch the vapors! 
I am just trying to figure out when Mike Huckabee talks about being proud of being from the South, is he talking about "Disney's Song of the South?"  I think that's a fact, it's actual, but NOT quite 'satis-factual.'