Well, Super Bowl XLIX is in the books and The New England Patriots won. The win was mainly because Pete Carroll is now the king of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory with questionable calls. Just ask any USC fans about the 2006 Rose Bowl. Brah, you have a running back on your team with the nickname "Beast Mode" (BEAST MODE!), you are on the one yard line, you have 3 more downs and you decide to pass? (Or you don't over rule your Offensive Coordinator, I get it football nerds.) You deserve to lose. PERIOD.
Yea, Boston! Now you can erect bronze statutes of Bill Bellichick, Tom Brady, their deflated balls and a video camera right in front of Gillette Stadium. Don't get me wrong, I do like Tom Brady, but if I have to argue with one more Pats fan about him walking on water I will lose it. "That was Jesus in the Bible," I say, to which they reply "Yeah, bro, Tahm Brady whaaz in na Bible whalkin' on whaaater. Trust me, bro. He was they guy that cleaned up Ghotham City too." Anyway... Without my hometown team playing all I could wish for was a good game, which we all got. So congrats to the Pats!
As far as the halftime entertainment, I will have to rate Katy Perry's performance the 4th best of the last few Super Bowls since Janet Jackson's Titty-gate. Which I still have to say I am pissed about on two levels. First off, her and Justin's little "performance art" set TV back 20 years. The FCC went nuts and really upped its censorship and regulation game on TV and radio which we are just climbing out of now. Secondly, I was fortunate enough to be at that game but on the opposite side of the stage so we missed the most famous titty reveal in TV history. That is unless you count anytime Pat Robetrson is on the tube. That old dude repeatedly reveals himself to be the biggest boob in the history of television broadcast.
This pic always bothered me because it is so sexual assault-y looking... Look at his eyes and her expression and tell me that doesn't look off.
Please don't mistake this ranking as "hating" on Ms. Perry at all, in fact, quite the contrary. "Roar" is one of my top running songs, I do sometimes feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again, I have told my wife any woman that walks into a room to "California Gurls" automatically looks sexier and I would pay money to see her kiss a girl. (And I would probably likee.) Her performance was great. Lenny Kravitz, one of the last of the "Rock Gods" and Missy Elliot, (where you been, girl?) a Hip-Hop Goddess, were on point for sure. However, before Katy Perry's performance I have some other halftime shows that rank ahead of this years.
Prince goes in the number one spot. He not only performed in the rain but he also did it in his doo-rag. (Now that is soulful funky!) Prince covered Foo Fighters "Best of You," did some Hendrix and snuck in "Proud Mary" before he was finished. He of course did his own stuff including "Let's Go Crazy," a touch of "1999," and the crowd fave "Baby I'm a Star." But in the closer to end all closers, he ended his set with "Purple Rain"... IN THE MUTHA FLIPPIN' RAIN! "PURPLE RAIN" IN THE RAIN, MAN! Just badass.
Baby I AM a Star
Beyonce has to be my number 2. I mean c'mon, she shut it down. Literally. Shut. It. Down. The electricity went out after her performance in the SuperDome and they stopped the game for 35 minutes fixing it. She even had a Destiny's Child reunion in the middle of it and was her own background dancer at one point! C'mon, now! She won an Emmy for that performance. Seriously. Oh yeah, Mike Huckabee, you suck!
Mike Huckabee said what?
Madonna comes in third because that M.I.A. flipped off the crowd, L.M.A.F.O., CeeLo, a choir, Nicki Minaj, Madonna at 54 was/is mad fit, the juxtaposition of gay imagery (she came in on a chariot pulled by some buff Roman soldiers) and the hyper-macho NFL crowd and because, well... Madonna.
Oh, were striking a pose in this stadium, bitches!
But enough about the past, let's talk about next year's Super Bowl 50 in San Francisco!
Let's start with the game itself...
Karmically, it won't be good one because of how good we had it for XLIX. We had the Super Bowl Champs from the previous year, the Seahawks, against a football dynasty, the Patriots. Both teams were the out and out champions of their divisions. The Ball-gate controversy. There was history on the line with Tom Brady passing and tieing Joe Montana. It came down to the last play of the game...
Super Bowl 50 will most likely have one really strong team against one who just backed their way in. It will more than likely be a blow out and the NFL will obviously overly hype all it because it's the golden anniversary.
With this knowledge, I have some suggestions... I propose the NFL look toward the growing trend of gaming that theMillennials are so in to. (Gaming by the way can now get a scholarship to college.) The NFL, in conjunction with EA Sports, should be holding world-wide Madden tournaments to find the best 32 players of that game in the world. These 32 players would then become the "owners" and players of the NFGL (National Football Gaming League). The NFGL will run in parody with the NFL season and every "owner"/player will set up a team with a unique name and mascot. The teams will be divided into conferences and divisions just like the NFL and they will have a draft, just like the NFL draft, but their pool will be from the greatest players of all time. Each week, the 32 teams will match up head to head with one another culminating with two with the best records battling it out against the one another the Saturday before Super Bowl 50. It is like a gamers football season with an actual Super Bowl at the end of the year.
I would run all the regular season games on NFL.com and the playoffs and Gamer Super Bowl on the NFL Network. (Yes, I would run video game play with live commentators on TV. It is exactly what you do when your kid/spouse/significant other sits on the coach and plays video games.) They should promote the hell out of it and create fantasy type leagues. These are all things the NFL can monetize through sponsorships and advertising. The money generated from the season (save the half million dollar prize to the Gamer Super Bowl 50 Champion) could then all be donated to battered women shelters across the country. Everyone wins!
Now will someone in the know please call EA and the NFL quick with this idea! And don't let them forget my consulting fee.
Now that I have created revenue streams and charitable opportunities for the NFL, please know that I have the Halftime Show and the National Anthem covered too. One word: HOLOGRAMS!
"Yeah, I'll help her dawg, but you do know this is your sister, right? That means no kissy face, capisce?"
Ok, here is the schedule of events:
The game opens up with an intro from the hologram of Howard Cosell who does one of those Bob Costas type soliloquies. He introduces Ray Charles hologram who comes out and does "America the Beautiful" on the piano. Then The National Anthem is performed by Whitney Houston's hologram which is a no brainer in my mind. It gives me chills just thinking about her 1991 rendition.
Keep in mind, pre-production can take care of clothes and hair because I realize that everyone will look a bit dated. Also, this idea is more for the TV viewers than the folks in the stadium. The stadium will see everything but the real magic will be on TV. But great start, right?
So first half of the game is played and now it's time for the big show.
First, Ed Sullivan's hologram comes out to introduce Young 1956 Elvis' hologram singing "Jailhouse Rock." Elvis is going to act as MC throughout the extravaganza, so when he has knocked out his first performance he introduces, James Brown's hologram who does "Living in America." James' hologram finishes up and leaves the stage "Please, Please, Please" style, cape and all. Then Elvis' hologram returns, but this time it is 68' Comeback Special, black leather Elvis' hologram and he is singing "Yesterday." Mid-way through he introduces, THE BEATLES! the living Paul and Ringo are on the stage, but they are playing with John, George and Elvis' holograms. Elvis' hologram leaves the stage and The Beatles do, maybe, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "Revolution." They take "The Beatles bow" but before they leave the stage is when Kurt Cobain's hologram with the living Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic come out and The Beatles join them for "Teen Spirit."
The crowd is going wild when Aloha Hawaii Elvis' hologram comes out and says something to the effect of, "A lot of you know me as the King of Rock, well my daughter, lil' Lisa Marie, ended up marrying the King of Pop, and here he is, MICHAEL JACKSON!" Then Michael's hologram comes out and does "Billy Jean" Motown 25 style and "Beat It." Michael finishes his set with "Bad," but in the middle of the song he shouts out Tupac, Biggie and Eazy-E's holograms and they come out and perform individual rap interludes to "Bad."
With Michael's hologram finished up and the stage goes dark. The soft music starts and out walks Frank Sinatra's hologram to an empty stage and a spotlight to do "My Way." He sings it with all the heart of a true Sinatra performance but the final stanza comes and all the holograms join him. Then the very last line... "I DID IT MYYYY WAAAY!" Fireworks! The crowd is insane! Elvis' hologram says,"Thank yew verry much."
And its over, right?
NO! Not yet!
People in the audience crying. There is a shot of the troops in Afghanistan high-fiving one another. Another shot of both teams coming from the locker room with tears streaming down their faces. The anchors of Fox News and MSNBC are hand in hand singing "Kumbaya"... and then, when you think it is all over, the announcer comes on the P.A. system and says... wait for it....
Greatest. Halftime. Show. Ever!