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Quick 2015 Oscars Recap

It was aiiriight...
  • Missing Joan
  • Dakota Johnson is a johnson
  • NPH, The Music and the Misc
So what I like to call the second half of my Super Bowl was last night, The Oscars! (The first half being, well the Super Bowl.) I have to say, it was ok, but there seemed to be a total lack of enthusiasm for the whole thing, right?  The universe seems to have a knowledge of these things which is why I would guess there was a rainstorm outside the Dolby Theater during the Red Carpet last night.
First off, I am over the whole Red Carpet thing. Once Joan Rivers stopped doing it all clones were far inferior. Joan Rivers did it with an attitude I think a lot of people appreciated.  She was completely contemptuous of the whole thing however she understood that if you are going to something like The Oscars you shouldn't look like you were headed to a picnic. She didn't have a problem calling people out for dressing like buffoons or for taking themselves too serious. She had a way of bringing celebrities back down to earth which I enjoyed. Check out some highlights below. (And whoever does the "In Memoriam" at the Oscars cocks it up every time! How do you leave Elaine Stritch AND Joan Rivers off of the list?) 
Frankly, I just wished Ms. Rivers were still with us for that damned Dakota Johnson last night. This girl is so personality/charisma deficient she makes Kristen Stewart look like Jim Carey in "The Mask" singing "Cuban Pete." Miss Entitled 2015, Dakota brought her mom, Melanie Griffith, to the Oscars and proceeded to act like a 15 year old who what just told she wouldn't be getting a car on her 16th birthday. (BTW, I think it was Melanie Griffith. I couldn't really tell. I just know that the "Milk Money" days are way gone.) Check it out...
What a crazed brat! How effected is this kid? Her mom said she was proud of her, she just doesn't want to see her daughter all ass up in what some are calling "the worst movie" they have ever seen. Keep in mind, this maniac chastised her mom on GLOBAL TELEVISION for everyone to see! My head is explodidng just thinking about it! Look, I get bent out of shape if my kids act up at Chili's but this was something the whole world saw! I'm done.
This is the one case where I wished Dakota Johnson's mom was Mabel King from "What's Happening!"  She would have just asked her for her belt right there and let the spankings commence! If she didn't have a belt, she would have grabbed Lara Spencers mic cable and gone to town! And I am a guy who doesn't believe in spanking, but if Dakota is so desperate for her mother to see her bet spanked by a douchey billionaire in a crappy movie, she should be able to take a couple pops from mom for acting like a total bitch to her.) My advice for Melanie is to have Dakota live like you did as a kid, with a full grown lion. Threaten not to feed said lion for a couple of days and see if that doesn't set her disrespectful arse straight.
Neil Patrick Harris (or NPH as the kids call him) did a fair job as host. The opening was pretty color by numbers. Song, dance, celebrity assists (one being the way hot Anna Kendrick), mention all the nominated movies, jazz hands. He did what he needed to do, kept the near four hour show moving with bits and jokes. 
Some bits worked...
The Birdman bit which found NPH on stage in his (certainly stuffed) tightie whities was entertaining. The bit where he pretended Steve Carell was just a seat filler worked. His opening monologue was good too.
Other bits tanked...
The one where things sound better with and English accent was not only played, but not well executed. (Poor David Oyelowo, not nominated for playing MLK, but forced to play with NPH.) And the Oscar prediction bit was HORRIBLE. I want to know what NPH really predicted, not some soft comedic rundown of the night. LAME!
The producers of the show decided to jumble up the order of the awards which to me slowed the show down to a crawl. I guess they thought they would liven it up with "star power," but celebrities reading written bits is truly not that entertaining. It may have been interesting pre-TMZ, but now you see celebrities everyday online doing stuff I do like eat outside on a nice day. Because of this, the allure of seeing a movie star present an award has kind of faded. In any case, they need to space the big awards better otherwise wake me when the good stuff happens.  
The musical numbers were varied.
Maroon V surprisingly stiff, but sung a song written by the little girl from Archie's Bunker's Place, Danielle Brisebois. Crazy fact, huh?
Tim McGraw was good but why the "N-word Hatin' Hat"? (A buddy of mine on FB, Farshad Arshid, said that he went from looking like James Bond on the red carpet to a Hee Haw reject.)
"Everything is Awesome" wasn't. It just overloaded my senses like eating Starlight Mints, followed by Altoids, rubbing Vics Vaporub and rubbing alcohol on me then drinking a 7-Up super fast after turning in circles. It was just too much!
Rita Ora, flawless. Not only can she sing, but she is strikingly beautiful. The big question, how does she not have any sort of African heritage? She is Albanian, but I am going to have to call, "Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe." Someone get a strand of homegirl's hair for DNA testing because we need to get to the bottom of this one.
The show stopper for me was the eventual winner, "Glory," by John Legend and Common. AWESOME. INCREDIBLE. AMAZING. Not a dry eye in the house. My friend, David Oyelowo looked like he had snot bubbles. I get chills thinking about the performance.
broken image
***Favorite New White Man Alert!*** Chris Pine. New Capt. Kirk was balling after the performance like he was beat on the Edmund Pettus Bridge.
I loved that both John Legend and Common used their speech time to say something significant, poignant and thought provoking. The tone was right as was their timing. Which brings me to the first electric moment of the evening, Patricia Arquette. 
She is my new hero! There are a ton of assholes that immediately went to the,"how dare she bring up equal pay and she is making millions" card, but if not her, then who. She's right. If a woman is hired to do the same job as a man she should get the same compensation PERIOD. There are no excuses. No, "but she can get pregnant." No, "she has to take care of kids." None of that. If she is doing the same job, she should make the same money. A thought any other way on this is misogynistic and doesn't merit response, except grow up fool.
As was the screenwriter of "The Imitation Game," Graham Moore. 140 words of sound advice and encouragement to anyone who feels or has felt a bit out of place sometimes.
- Alan Turing never got to stand on a stage like this and look out on all these disconcertingly attractive faces. And I do. And that's the most unfair thing I think I've ever heard. And so in this brief time here what I want to use it to do is say this. When I was 16 years old I tried to kill myself, because I felt weird, and I felt different, and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here. And so I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere: Yes you do. I promise you do. Stay weird, and then when it's your turn, and you are the one standing on this stage, please pass this message on.
Lady Gaga was on point! She even did "Edelweiss" perfectly. Flippin' "Edelweiss!" That is a hard freaking song to make sound good.  Lady Gaga is the real deal. If I was her manager, I would tell her to drop the deli meat dresses and the other crazy costumes, dress in jeans in a t-shirt and just sing and write songs. All the other stuff is window dressing taking away from her huge talent. Stop hiding behind the shite and just showcase that now rare, unauto-tuned beautiful voice. (She has already made millions with all the accouterments so this is probably why I am not her manager. In fact, I would suck.)
I love me some John Travolta, but dude is out of touch.. actually maybe he is a bit too in touch. Maybe it is just me, but I hate when people put their hands in my face and damned, did he have his hands all over the "wickedly talented" Adele Dazeem... er... Idina Menzel. John, get a grip... er, maybe not grip, but c'mon man, you are Danny Zucko, Tony Manero, VINNIE BARBARINO! 
Poor Terrence Howard either had the teleprompter go out on him, drank too much, or really, REALLY LOVED "The Imitation Game."  In either case, it was a bit uncomfortable. I don't know, maybe its as simple as Iron Man 1 Rhodey is a "Cumberbitch"
I finally think I "get" the new Eddie Murphy. Last week Eddie made some headlines because he "didn't bring the funny" to the SNL 40th Celebration. This week he goes on to present Best Screenplay and plays it straight again. I think Eddie has decided that he isn't going to be anyone's little puppy. To which I say, good for him. Would I love to see him up there yucking it up? Sure. If dignified Eddie means no more "Adventures of Pluto Nash" movies then PERFECT! For the love of all that is good, everyone please stop complaining.
Just for reference, I swear this was a test for Eddie. Back in 1988, Eddie got in trouble for talking about diversity and the Academy while presenting Best Picture. This was the one time Eddie stood up for something fairly controversial and was lambasted for speaking his truth. He didn't even get a sniff until "Dreamgirls" almost 20 years later. (I have to admit, the Academy is gangster that way. "Bowfinger" at least deserved a nomination.) Pretty badass to walk into a ceremony you were invited to present and speak truth to power directly. Eddie is the man! ("Pluto Nash" withstanding.)
Although, sometimes when you go off script you end up like sounding like a crazed nativist... Was Sean Penn doing a Bill the Butcher from "The Gangs of New York" impression? Spicolli, dude, you're my boy, but easy with the Green Card jokes. Especially right now. Timing is everything, brah.
In the end, "Birdman" won for best picture and right leaning conservatives feel the pain that African-Americans felt in 1986 when "The Color Purple" came home from the Oscars empty handed. 11 nominations, 0 wins. The biggest "snub' in Oscars history and it had Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey in it with Steven Spielberg directing. You know what won that year? Ironically enough, Out of Africa! Now that is a message.